Where for art thou?
And I'm glad about it. I went from wanting to die to knowing who I am in God's eyes. That's the most important thing in this world. You have to know who you are in order to survive. Now, I know who I am and who loves me unconditionally. I'm not just surviving but I'm thriving!!
I used to here the phrase, "there's always hope", and want to kick someone's teeth in but now I know the true meaning of that phrase. It's something that I can not tell you but it's something that you will learn, if you're willing. My hope, is that if there's anyone out there who was as dark and lost as I once was, that you learn what hope is and enjoy the life you have now. There really is hope and there really is someone there who loves you for you, unconditionally and always.
Here's to hope!
Blessed are those that thirst for righteousness for they shall be filled. -Matthew 5:6
This has been a life changing summer indeed. Usually, each year the summer passes away as unnoticeably as a wisp of wind. Not this year, this year, this summer is different. Many new revelations and changes are being birthed.
It's strange but I don't think there's anything wrong with what I did. Society, my family and a few friends have said that it's wrong, others try not to pass judgement. I feel I was merely acting on a decision that I'd made to help myself as best as possible. Or as best as I knew that was possible. I've been very tired since my failure and it's been hard to get myself up in the mornings. I've been trying to will myself to get up and to will myself to keep going but I feel so heavy. How do I begin to do anything constructive when I feel this way? But, I'm willing to try not as a futile attempt at what society or even I think should be but because I want to feel as if I want to live.
I'm wondering what it's like to be on the outside of myself as a spectator? I wonder how the world sees me? When I look at others and they look at me, their eyes seem to tell a story of what reflected in my eyes. Right now, life seems like a fish bowl of sorts, many seemingly caring people looking in but not in only an observational way. With a sense of expectancy as well, their eyes search mine as I don't have the ability to hide myself anymore. When I could, I'd look at myself in the mirror and if I could see all the darkness, I'd try to introduce light. But it was a fake light a light that doesn't shine from the sun but one that's created falsely as on a movie set. When I look in the mirror again after I've placed my props, I sometimes see spacing between reality and the set I've staged for the public around me. No more energy exists.
Now, the set is closed. There are not more stage hands are gaffers to set the scene of what I want the world to see. It's only me, bare and alive.
I remember when I heard that he'd killed himself. During that time, I had no understanding of such things; but I did have the peripheral knowledge that such a thing existed. My mind couldn't fathom what he must have been thinking or feeling in order to end himself. During that time, I remember feeling nothing about the act and only what I'd been taught in religious services. That if one kills themselves it's automatic relegation to spend eternity in everlasting torment. The only thing I could understand is that, he was here one day and then he wasn't.
Now, I understand where he must've been in order to commit suicide, it's a depth of hopelessness that also carries with it a perpetual pain that can't be pinpointed. Every fiber hurts. The physical parts hurt as a physical pain, the emotional parts hurt emotionally and the spiritual parts hurt as it's same. There's a point where all pain blends together creating a sensation of crawling skin and you'll do anything to make it stop...
I'm remembering Prestley today, smart, creative, popular and handsome but none of that mattered. He was exceedingly sad, and no one knew...
My mood: pretty apathetic
There's a lot of information that can be absorbed when we "see" someone, if we're willing. The problem occurs when we try, to see, there's a certain vulnerability that opens up both within the onlooker and the seen. It's not a very pleasant sensation and subconsciously we avoid such an intimate encounter, especially when it involves a complete stranger. That's why, what's happening to me is so intrusive and leaves me feeling violated, hopeless and angry. I'm at the point of being ready to lash out.
Also, this action usually is intrusive and harmful because of that revulsion, leading to the seer's inability to "see" properly. Most of the time, what is seen is what has been previously impressed upon the individual, not what actually exists. It's at this moment that the "seer" is no longer able to see what's in front of them in any unadulterated way. They may as well be blind or mentally impaired.
Should I pity someone like this? If I'd asked this question a year ago, I may have had the compassion and love left to say yes. Now, I see these people has having walked willingly into these impairments as a lunatic volunteers for a lobotomy. So no, no pity even if they are pitiable.
It's still difficult for me to master this forgiveness thing. How is it possible while constantly being adversely affected? Still trying to come to terms with the possibility that I won't like the answer.
While having my cup of coffee this morning, I looked out of my window overlooking the street. Since it's winter here I saw trees bare to the bark and where the city had pruned the trees earlier, was now clearly visible. There were also evergreens. I looked out at the tree farthest away and noticed birds gathering, a few at a time on that one bare tree. One would fly over then two, then a whole bunch at once. There was also a bird sitting perched on an electrical wire far away from the tree and when the wind started to blow it flew off and joined the others. Shortly after the last bird joined the rest, they all, as if one body, lifted off and flew in an elaborate circle and landed back on the bare tree. After this happened, even more birds joined the tree, for the second time, they all lifted off together. I sat there for a few minutes to see if they would return, they didn't.
I thought this was interesting because, they could have chosen the evergreen trees which would have shielded them, some, from the elements but they choose the bare tree which happened to be the tallest. It's as if they didn't want to leave anyone and gave everyone a chance to join before they left for good. Perhaps, the first lift off was abandoned as the flock realized they'd left someone? I don't know, but, if a bird, can have the instinctual urge to go back for another of it's kind, why can't a man? What is it, as a human, do we lose that gives us the ability to disregard each others needs?
My mood: pretty apathetic
Here I am, two years, four months and 19 days later, after my very first EP blog post on forgiveness. I questioned if forgiveness was a choice. After so much time and still being barraged by the same turmoil and unrelenting cruelty as I was then I'd have to say that forgiveness is a sacrifice, that we make if we are willing. It's hard to compare the gift of forgiveness with anything else because nothing can come close to embodying it's complexity or it's demand that we yield; or it's requirements to choose to do so.
Last night at work, a coworker caught a glimpse of the disconsolate mood that I've been trying so hard to hide. It's not my intention to subject others to my mood. This person was intuitive and she wouldn't let it go... I felt obligated to put on a synthetic mask of contentedness for her sake. My gag reflexes were tested at the thought, so I didn't. Se la vi...
Blue sky, billowing clouds, quiet streets, a great book, coffee and a muffin.
The day you must choose between eating and gas for the car to go to work... It's a bad day...
My mood: very Concerned...
It's as dire as it sounds... yes it is...
Being one of the many U.S. Americans that are grossly underpaid, a result of our near recession; I often wonder what our bosses think of us, if they think of us at all. We sit in meetings and discuss, performance metrics and improvements, what's going wrong and what's right. As they sit across from us looking at our faces; knowing the cost of living and what they know we are paid, I wonder how they are even able to look us in the eyes at all.
Mercedes and BMW escort them home while I drive home IN an Escort. As it stand in my current employment my level earns about 8k a year less that what market reports suggest is standard. That's 8k less, that we can use to improve our lives, pay our bills and feed our families. When I look at them I don't see leaders, I see mercenaries and crooks. Perhaps that's a little heavy for this time of day but it's how I feel.
My mood: pretty hungry
This day has duel significance for me... I look at my life and think, my future doesn't look very promising to the outsider. Then, I think of those who paid the ultimate price protecting their home lands and realize there is a possible future, not written in stone. I may just make it after all...
My mood: very contemplative
Yesterday on my way to work, I noticed that I was incredibly happy. I had to dial it back a bit and remind myself to tone it down before I went into the building.
For most, this post will make sense if you were able to read part 1 of Ugly Colors but for some reason EP isn't allowing me to post it publicly, thus, I carry on.
When I catch my reflection in the mirror sometimes I'm surprised by what I see. I may see beauty, or happiness or sadness. I think, when I surprised, I'm not feeling anything at all. I'm getting pretty good at disconnecting from many of the things around me but... is that a good thing? In the long run, I say no.
My mood: very contemplative
Behind bad luck comes good luck. At least that what my fortune cookie just said.
Previous PostsMotivation, posted November 30th, 2013
I'm still here!, posted October 20th, 2013
Rightness, posted September 3rd, 2013
Summer, posted September 2nd, 2013
Processing..., posted July 12th, 2013
Different Perspective, posted July 8th, 2013
Prestley, posted February 9th, 2013
I Wish, posted February 2nd, 2013
See, posted January 29th, 2013
Forgiveness 6, posted January 28th, 2013
Observations, posted January 16th, 2013
Forgiveness 5, posted July 29th, 2012
Resolve, posted July 22nd, 2012
Sunday, posted July 8th, 2012
Tough Choices, Thus is life..., posted June 28th, 2012, 4 comments
Monday is Coming..., posted June 17th, 2012
Conscience, posted June 8th, 2012
A Day to Remember and Reflect, posted May 28th, 2012
Ugly Colors 2, posted May 24th, 2012
My Fortune, posted February 21st, 2012, 2 comments
No One is Perfect Part 2, posted October 20th, 2011
Good, posted October 16th, 2011
Just Venting, posted March 7th, 2011
RELEASE, posted February 16th, 2011
Quantifying is Key 9, posted January 16th, 2011, 1 comment
Holiday Wishes, posted December 25th, 2010
Quantifying is Key 8, posted September 6th, 2010
Life Happens, posted August 20th, 2010
Quantifying is Key 7, posted June 27th, 2010, 2 comments
Thanks to my EP People, posted June 24th, 2010
Forgiveness 4, posted June 12th, 2010, 4 comments
New Dreams, posted June 5th, 2010
Forgiveness 3, posted May 30th, 2010, 2 comments
Forgiveness 2, posted May 19th, 2010
Old Friends, Old Ideas, posted April 29th, 2010
Quantifying is Key 6, posted April 17th, 2010, 3 comments
Poland, posted April 10th, 2010
Turn Around, posted April 4th, 2010
I Miss it, posted March 31st, 2010
Provoking a Dream (FAIL), posted March 29th, 2010
Damn!!, posted March 28th, 2010
Wow!!, posted March 26th, 2010, 2 comments
A Lifting Cloud 4, posted March 24th, 2010
A Lifting Cloud 3, posted March 21st, 2010
Character Building 2, posted March 18th, 2010
Character Building, posted March 17th, 2010
Quantifying is Key 4, posted March 16th, 2010, 2 comments
A Lifting Cloud 2, posted March 15th, 2010
A Lifting Cloud, posted March 14th, 2010
Quantifiying is Key 3, posted March 13th, 2010, 2 comments
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