qwertyvsme's Blog

I remember when I heard that he'd killed himself. During that time, I had no understanding of such things; but I did have the peripheral knowledge that such a thing existed. My mind couldn't fathom what he must have been thinking or feeling in order to end himself. During that time, I remember feeling nothing about the act and only what I'd been taught in religious services. That if one kills themselves it's automatic relegation to spend eternity in everlasting torment. The only thing I could understand is that, he was here one day and then he wasn't.

Now, I understand where he must've been in order to commit suicide, it's a depth of hopelessness that also carries with it a perpetual pain that can't be pinpointed. Every fiber hurts. The physical parts hurt as a physical pain, the emotional parts hurt emotionally and the spiritual parts hurt as it's same. There's a point where all pain blends together creating a sensation of crawling skin and you'll do anything to make it stop...

I'm remembering Prestley today, smart, creative, popular and handsome but none of that mattered. He was exceedingly sad, and no one knew...

That I was someone else...

There's a lot of information that can be absorbed when we "see" someone, if we're willing. The problem occurs when we try, to see, there's a certain vulnerability that opens up both within the onlooker and the seen. It's not a very pleasant sensation and subconsciously we avoid such an intimate encounter, especially when it involves a complete stranger. That's why, what's happening to me is so intrusive and leaves me feeling violated, hopeless and angry. I'm at the point of being ready to lash out.

Also, this action usually is intrusive and harmful because of that revulsion, leading to the seer's inability to "see" properly. Most of the time, what is seen is what has been previously impressed upon the individual, not what actually exists. It's at this moment that the "seer" is no longer able to see what's in front of them in any unadulterated way. They may as well be blind or mentally impaired.

Should I pity someone like this? If I'd asked this question a year ago, I may have had the compassion and love left to say yes. Now, I see these people has having walked willingly into these impairments as a lunatic volunteers for a lobotomy. So no, no pity even if they are pitiable.

It's still difficult for me to master this forgiveness thing. How is it possible while constantly being adversely affected? Still trying to come to terms with the possibility that I won't like the answer.

While having my cup of coffee this morning, I looked out of my window overlooking the street. Since it's winter here I saw trees bare to the bark and where the city had pruned the trees earlier, was now clearly visible. There were also evergreens. I looked out at the tree farthest away and noticed birds gathering, a few at a time on that one bare tree. One would fly over then two, then a whole bunch at once. There was also a bird sitting perched on an electrical wire far away from the tree and when the wind started to blow it flew off and joined the others. Shortly after the last bird joined the rest, they all, as if one body, lifted off and flew in an elaborate circle and landed back on the bare tree. After this happened, even more birds joined the tree, for the second time, they all lifted off together. I sat there for a few minutes to see if they would return, they didn't.

I thought this was interesting because, they could have chosen the evergreen trees which would have shielded them, some, from the elements but they choose the bare tree which happened to be the tallest. It's as if they didn't want to leave anyone and gave everyone a chance to join before they left for good. Perhaps, the first lift off was abandoned as the flock realized they'd left someone? I don't know, but, if a bird, can have the instinctual urge to go back for another of it's kind, why can't a man? What is it, as a human, do we lose that gives us the ability to disregard each others needs?

Here I am, two years, four months and 19 days later, after my very first EP blog post on forgiveness. I questioned if forgiveness was a choice. After so much time and still being barraged by the same turmoil and unrelenting cruelty as I was then I'd have to say that forgiveness is a sacrifice, that we make if we are willing. It's hard to compare the gift of forgiveness with anything else because nothing can come close to embodying it's complexity or it's demand that we yield; or it's requirements to choose to do so.

Last night at work, a coworker caught a glimpse of the disconsolate mood that I've been trying so hard to hide. It's not my intention to subject others to my mood. This person was intuitive and she wouldn't let it go... I felt obligated to put on a synthetic mask of contentedness for her sake. My gag reflexes were tested at the thought, so I didn't. Se la vi...

Blue sky, billowing clouds, quiet streets, a great book, coffee and a muffin.

The day you must choose between eating and gas for the car to go to work... It's a bad day...

It's as dire as it sounds... yes it is...  

Being one of the many U.S. Americans that are grossly underpaid, a result of our near recession; I often wonder what our bosses think of us, if they think of us at all. We sit in meetings and discuss, performance metrics and improvements, what's going wrong and what's right. As they sit across from us looking at our faces; knowing the cost of living and what they know we are paid, I wonder how they are even able to look us in the eyes at all.

Mercedes and BMW escort them home while I drive home IN an Escort. As it stand in my current employment my level earns about 8k a year less that what market reports suggest is standard. That's 8k less, that we can use to improve our lives, pay our bills and feed our families. When I look at them I don't see leaders, I see mercenaries and crooks. Perhaps that's a little heavy for this time of day but it's how I feel.

This day has duel significance for me... I look at my life and think, my future doesn't look very promising to the outsider. Then, I think of those who paid the ultimate price protecting their home lands and realize there is a possible future, not written in stone. I may just make it after all...

Yesterday on my way to work, I noticed that I was incredibly happy. I had to dial it back a bit and remind myself to tone it down before I went into the building.

For most, this post will make sense if you were able to read part 1 of Ugly Colors but for some reason EP isn't allowing me to post it publicly, thus, I carry on.

When I catch my reflection in the mirror sometimes I'm surprised by what I see. I may see beauty, or happiness or sadness. I think, when I surprised, I'm not feeling anything at all. I'm getting pretty good at disconnecting from many of the things around me but... is that a good thing? In the long run, I say no.

Behind bad luck comes good luck. At least that what my fortune cookie just said.

My previous entry on perfection, riddled with anger and resentment, yes, but I have to say... looking back, and in a better place, my feelings haven't changed. I still believe that we use "no one is perfect" too much to the point where the mindset is sometimes "why bother". But also looking back, I can see that "no one is perfect" has a duality that is both a cruel reality and a comfort.

At first glance I know my statements can seem contradictory so let me be more clear. The statement makes a provision for us as well as an excuse, depending on the user. For some who don't bother, sadly they are missing out by excepting this reality as an excuse. The provision, for those of us who choose to do our best and allow our selves to be okay with that fact that don't have to be perfect. In a sense, our best is perfect.

When I began my quest on EP, for peace and for understanding. I knew that the likelihood of my finding someone to understand my situation was slim at best. But... something amazing happened; I found people who understood without having to know the details. And that's a good thing. Thank you all. xox

Lately I've been in a blue funk about my life, my work, my family and acquaintances but, I keep these thoughts in mind; these things are elements of my life, not my life as a whole. When I express myself, no one has to understand, just listen and let me feel what I'm feeling. I realize that how I feel for a moment may not be an accurate representation of what's going on around me and that things may not be as crappy or as good as I believe. For once I'd like to have some support, real support accompanied by truth. But I get lies, I get doubters, which would be fine if I was told what was being doubted and why but... the silence... the quiet accusatory stares. Just say what needs to be said for craps sake!

Don't believe me? Fine, you mistrust me? Fine, then say so. Being fake is unacceptable. I don't want to be around people like that and when it's family it's worse. The broken trust coupled by love. It's sick, twisted and confusing.

Is there a moment when one is so accustomed to rejection and ridicule that it doesn't even matter any more? Where one stops feeling... and is just numb? If so, I'd like to know when that's likely to occur? At what level of humiliation do I earn the gift of not feeling anything anymore? There's only one moment where we don't feel at all, that I know of, and that's death; I look forward to this release. To finally be rid of this plain's offerings of sadness, humiliation and constant bombardment of hatred and cruelty.

"Laughter is the best medicine.." says one of my "acquaintances", as hateful and sneaky as can be... ,my thoughts, "only if of good nature, anything else is poison". Let them drink it hardily I say, of their own brew of poisonous cruelty intended for me, every single drop.

It's a gorgeous day! It's like I was beckoned out by the sun, who simply wanted to say hello. I appreciate the warmth and peace that I experience from a winter sunshine. Reminding me, that I'm still here and that I'm still much apart of this world. The same sunshine that cascades over me, also cascades over you and everyone else on earth. It's as if we all have the same power cell, so does it make sense to do something to harm one another? Ultimately, one would only serve to harm themselves.

Merry Christmas everyone, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hanukka, Feliz Navidad and like, to all!!